Decisions

Yes, I'm still up.  I'm suffering from insomnia, side aches, and a feeling of something stuck in my throat.  The latter two are, I suspect, my Lap Band.

This is not a good feeling.  I have things to do, a life to live, and here I am, without sleep, in mild (but ongoing and really fucking annoying) discomfort, mired in worry.

The side ache, which is near the Lap Band port, has been ongoing for the past 20 hours.  The stuck sensation in my throat is new, and it is causing me to panic and worry and fret about what it could be.  None of this is helping my anxiety.

I won't lie.  I'm scared.  But I've also reached the point where I just want the Lap Band out.

After reading a lot of different things today, I've found that the Lap Band has a huge failure rate.  That it causes problems in about half the patients.  That I can possibly have slippage, or worse, erosion.  That the port can get infected, that things can burst, that I can die from this if something is wrong and no one does anything.

All of the "what-ifs" are scary.  Surgery (again!) is scary.  But I feel I don't have any other options.

I'm scared of gaining back what I lost.  I'm scared of confronting my surgeon and his assistant (I am non-confrontational by nature and these two are quite formidable in their opinions). But I cannot go on like this.  I truly think the problems presented themselves in October, and they obviously haven't gotten better.  I hate waking up every day, wondering if the reflux is going to start again, wondering if my stomach will bloat up, wondering what the hell is going on in my body.  I hate being scared of sleep, for fear that something will happen.  I hate feeling like shit all of the time.

Yes, I know that I will probably, almost certainly, gain back what I've lost.  I'm not looking forward to it.  I can only hope that I can rally myself to fight for my health and not let obesity get the best of me.

But, oh gods, how scared I am.