Thursday, December 17, 2015

Anxious

I'm not even sure why I'm pounding out a post. Maybe it's because I'm just feeling....well, "not right." It's not any one thing. I just feel depressed and shitty and the stupid anxiety attack that started last night and didn't subside until I popped a Xanax this morning didn't help.

Oh yes. I'm back on Xanax. I went last week and got a prescription because I could. NOT. TAKE. IT. ANYMORE. The feelings of....bad, of death, of worry, of everything going wrong started ramping up again, but only when I traveled. It made for some interesting times when I had to do necessary things, like grocery shopping or doing my mini-job (or actually getting to the doctor to get that prescription, jfc). I was only planning on using it when I traveled, but apparently my brain has decided to shoot those plans in the ass.

I have had an offer of help with a type of therapy, and I'm thinking that I will take the offer in a few more weeks. The person that wants to help me has to deal with some sad things going on in her life at the moment, and I am definitely not going to pounce on her with my stupid issues right now. It's okay. I will be fine until she is ready. I have a pretty good support system going on, which is why I'm just blurting this out right now: because I know people read my shit and can empathize.

I'm not even sure what triggered my attack last night. I mean, I know it doesn't need any one specific thing. It just is. But it sucks, and trying to sleep but jerking awake because you dream you are dead or are approaching death is just bullshit. I've gone through this once before. I don't want it anymore. I want it to stop. I want to be sort of normal.

That's another thing I'm dealing with right now. Depression. I haven't been vigilant in taking my vitamins (the horse pills that help with Seasonal Affective Disorder), so I've been feeling it hard right now. That's a fun fucking combination. Depression and anxiety. So I get to be apathetic about my health, but I can't bring myself to fucking do anything to make me better.

I'm also in a spot right now where I just want to crawl into myself and hide from everyone. Friends, family, the general population. Just bye. My cursor has hovered over the "deactivate" button on Facebook so many times in the past month. I can't though. I feel guilty if I do. I feel like I'm letting people down because I'm not there for them. I already feel like I'm not responding enough, so if I were to just disappear on people that count on me.....well, that would be shit.

1 comment:

  1. I love you happy, sad, depressed, anxious, smiling, yelling. If we didn't have our extremes in moods, there would be no artists, scientists, Frank-n-furter or David Bowie. I have also hovered over the delete FB button, but that is my only way to the outside world. Vent on me anytime :)

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