Pain

Didn't write a health post last week because I was upset and depressed with everything. I almost didn't write a post this week, but here it is. I think I'll start doing them on Tuesdays because I'm usually wiped after physical therapy on Mondays.

So. Health. I hurt. A lot. But only sometimes. Other times my leg and back are just fine. Then I move wrong or sit wrong or think that I don't need Advil or Skelaxin. Then I pay for it. Mightily. I really hate it. There have been more than a few times I've dissolved into tears because I feel useless and I hurt. SO. BLOODY. MUCH. I can't lie on the floor anymore and play board games. I have to sit upright, and even then, I can sometimes still hurt myself (typing this as I stand lest I hurt). Getting into the car is a fucking joke. I can't sit on public transportation because the seats hurt. I have to stand and pray that they don't jerk too suddenly and fuck up my leg.

I've been having more panic attacks lately. I'm spiraling into depression because I feel like a failure at everything. My sleep is shot to hell. I made it through yesterday on three hours sleep after waking up to have a panic attack over money issues (another story for another day). I haven't been exercising (with the exception of walking and physical therapy) or really eating right. I'm trying to snap myself out of this funk, but it is hard to do.

Having a physical injury when you're already mentally destroyed is like hell on earth. The feelings of being useless multiply. You feel like you're letting down friends and family when you say that you can't do something. I try to be upbeat and do my physical therapy without complaining and just try. TRY. And at the end of the day I'm wiped the fuck out from trying and get snappish with my family. Lately I've taken to crying in the shower, usually because I'm upset, but there are the times that my leg and back hurt so much from just standing underneath hot water that I have to let out the pain somehow. Crying doesn't help, but screaming wouldn't either.

I try to be strong. I try to just live my fucking life. I try to tell myself that tomorrow will be better, that tomorrow I can try again, that tomorrow the therapy exercises will make a huge difference.

It never fucking happens.