Monday, May 2, 2016

Back At It

Here I am again, willing myself to talk about physical and mental things that are fucking with my life. I know I was writing once a week before I started slipping into a depression. Then I gave it up, like I did with eating well and getting more exercise. Yeah, I fucked up.

It wasn't any one thing. It was a lot of pain from my back. It was worrying about money constantly. It was people treating me like I was only good for one or two things, then not even having the decency to listen when I tried to voice my issues. It was a lot of being so tired of everything: tired of life, tired of pain, tired of failing. I know that all of what I just typed (with the exception of the pain and money issues) are symptoms of depression, but it was a huge weight that just kept growing.

I ghosted for awhile. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want to interact. It was hard for me to even chill with my family. It was a pain to be pleasant at physical therapy when my body and mind were hurting so much.

I started coming out of it a couple of weeks ago, but I was already back to my old ways, which dragged me down further. I finished physical therapy, but I've been slacking on doing it at home, which is a bad thing. I do some stretches and some stability ball practice, but then I don't push myself further. Apathy is a motherfucker.

Then last week, I developed a horrifying pain in my neck and shoulder blade. I couldn't turn my head. I couldn't lie down without developing a headache. I just felt like shit. I hurt so so much, and just wanted to sleep all of the time to get away from it. But I had obligations and other things that I had to deal with, so no sleep for me. My neck finally got better (still slightly twinge-y, but I don't have to down naproxen and muscle relaxers like a fiend anymore), but the no sleep stayed, and now I'm suffering from insomnia.

I'm a hot mess.

But....

I decided, yet again, that I cannot continue on this path. I started over again today. I am still creeping out of depression and pain, but I need to push forward.

I weighed myself, and by some fucking miracle, I have only gained a few pounds. I went for a long walk with the dog, and am only a couple hundred steps away from my walking goal today. I plan on doing my physical therapy exercises after I digest lunch.

Lunch....

Food. That is still where my weakness is. I just ate a sandwich and more chips than I care to think about, then started thinking about the ice cream and cookies we have in the house. Instead of indulging, I sat down to write this to try and distract myself. It's sort of working. I figure that since I've already binged on chips, I need to not eat other crappy shit. I might have a glass of skim chocolate milk, which sometimes help when my sweet tooth hits.

This food thing is a bear. I can't just stop eating, but I can't do what I did right now. I know part of the reason I ate a bunch of chips was because I ate breakfast super fucking early today (insomnia got me out of bed at 5), then didn't have a snack in between breakfast and lunch. I felt ravenous and stuffed myself. Now I just feel guilty, and will hate to see what my calorie tracker says after I enter the information.

Ah well. I can't undo it. Onward, I guess.

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